Trump Rules: The 8 Most Frickin’ Bigly Investments I Made with Donald Trump Read online

  “I should get my moves out there, record them and put them on online so it will be a viral sentiment like so many other awesome and amazing things. Does anyone in the room have a copy of ‘99 Red Balloons’ right here and now? The originally German version, of course. That’s the song that I can really hone in and focus my feet flaps to get the groove going. BAM, tat tat tat split, BAM is how the beat drives me.

  “Oh, I miss those days when a man was a man and simply worked on his job and loved his family and put breaky on the table every morning and could be left alone to focus on money and dancing and maybe even sometimes a vacation to the beach front. Atlantic City, the amount of money I’ve made and lost on those fifty filthy acres of land will make your mind regurgitate. I mean, who in their right frickin’ mind goes to Las Vegas? I mean, yeah maybe the rooms are more clean with their inflocks of Hispatinos, but the oeuvre of the city, the feeling is just so stale.

  “People have these pictures in their mind that they are going to be Sinatra when they walk down the Vegas Strip, but the dummies forget it’s frickin’ hot as ball pouches and everyone’s trying to hand you a naked woman flyer and it takes like thirty thousand minutes to walk from one casino to another. ‘But the next place I would enjoy visiting is right there, I can see it!’ No, it’s not right there, loser, but sure we’ll walk and we’ll get there in 2018. In AC, everything is conveniently located on a small walk of boards.

  “Did you know I coined the term ‘to be honest with you’?

  “Turn off the news, now, will you? I can’t stand seeing these broke, unemployed nobodies take up good, quality airtime. ‘The ninety nine percent’ – what does that even frickin’ mean? Am I meant to take out a calculator to translation their group name into something discernible?

  “I got it – call yourselves the No Jobs Movement. Or the Douche Dilettantes. Or the I Love Living in Mommy’s Spare Room Brigade. Because if they were real people, real people with real responsibilities, they wouldn’t be in southernest Manhattan desperately talking to a McDonald’s cashier about how bad they need to use their toilet. They’d be working to make money for a quality breaky for the friends and loved ones.

  “Speaking of breaky, what time is it?”

  Business: The 1% Pinky Ring Collection

  Industry: Jewelry

  Investment amount: $18 million

  ROI: -82% (shut down after eight months)

  January 2, 2015

  “I’m still dealing with this frickin’ hangover, two days now. Those Fireball shots stick around, am I right?

  “Colorado, Matthew. The frickin’ dummies in Colorado, smoking dope all day and night. I told you when we were in Davos this was going to happen – the whole country is going to be overrun by stoned slackers playing video games and rapey immigrants. It makes no sense, the direction this country’s headed in.

  “You know, back in the ‘80’s, back when things were amazing, yeah, I tried some drugs. I did a little bit of the cocaine. And you know what – it was good. But do I need that kind of fake energy, the kind that gets you all wound up and then you can’t sleep for six thousand days? End up in the penthouse of some Phillipinean who made a bunch of money in telecommunications, but the guy can’t frickin’ speak American to you and only wants to throw live goldfish off his balcony onto unsurmising New Yorker citizens? No, thank you.

  “And here’s the thing that they never talk about when it comes to coke: breaky tastes terrible. You don’t even have an appetite for breaky! Now that’s a world I do not, do not want to live in. No breaky? No way-y. Now pot dope, that’ll make you want some frickin’ breaky.

  “OK, Matthew, and please do not take this as an endorsement of any illegal or ill-advised drugs because, as you know, I am a conservative and drugs have no place in the world of my friends or houses of even my enemies even though it makes them less competitive. That having been properly articulated, the pot dope does make breaky amazing. We can all agree, right, that breaky is the reason we know God is alive and wants us all to be happy. I mean waffles, pancakes, cereal, yogurt, fruit assortments, English mufkins – this is the manna from heaven that they bespoke of in the Bible. Pot dope, well, if it’s even possibly, makes all of those things taste approximately ten percent better. In some cases, twelve percent.

  “But with Colorado now having the pot dope heads in the street all high and mighty, it does mean that Breaky on Internet will continue to be an industry leader of online food delivery. Did you see our Q3 results?! Wow, Wall Street has been forsworn to put on some adult diapers because they will truly and genuinely poop their pantaloons as we continue to grow that business.

  “You know, sometimes I just don’t know about the future of this country. This country that I love and hold treasurely in my heart of hearts. I wish I could do something more for its future and its citizens and its creatures of all sizes and shapes except for the illegals.

  “Obama, oh man, don’t let me get started on that tragedy. I mean, Jesus himself could have run against him and would have done worse than McCain. McCain, wow, there’s three billion dollars I’ll never get back. He might as well have taken the money and builded a time machine to take him back to Vietnam and avoid getting caught by those perpetrators. War hero, my butt rumpus. I’ve pissed on more war heroes than he’s capable of thinking about in his mental brain shape.

  Business: Donald Juan Medical Marijuana

  Industry: Medicine and pharmaceuticals

  Investment: $12 million

  6 month ROI: 815%

  Epilogue

  I haven’t seen Donald since the last conversation I captured here. Once he filed paperwork to run for the presidency, he sent me a message that he would need to pause our “aggressive, illusionary” investments to focus on the campaign.

  A week later, he had published this book.

  At the time of this book’s publication, Donald was leading many GOP polls.

  When I think back about our interactions over these nearly thirty years, I am reminded of how smart, articulate and out-of-the-box he is, as you’ve witnessed in these humble pages. With any opportunity, he would immediately identify and understand all of the pros and cons and either pass or investment immediately.

  There are things in life that you realize, in retrospect, you never fully appreciated while they are happening. My relationship with Donald J. Trump was not one of those instances.

  As you have witnessed both in this book and during his campaigning, he is clearly to be taken seriously. His ideas for our country are sound, his temperament solid, his diplomacy on point. He is a considerate and enormously smart man whose time has come. He taught me invaluable life lessons on investing, relationships, politics and so much more.

  But mostly he taught me about breakfast. Its importance. Its options… its many wonderful options. And its vernacular.

  DJT: miss you, brother. See you in the Oval soon.

  Matthew Newell

  newellCVP.com

  instagram.com/matthew.newell

  twitter.com/mhnewell

  [email protected]

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