Trump Rules: The 8 Most Frickin’ Bigly Investments I Made with Donald Trump Read online

  “OK, let’s get Y2Trump up and running, but right now, right at this utmost moment, I need some breaky. I’m wondering for the biscuits and gravy. That would be a breaky that my stomach pit would absolutely enjoy.”

  Business: Y2Trump

  Industry: Technology services

  Investment amount: $42 million

  5 year ROI: 482%

  July 8, 2000

  “Is it July already?! This year is flying back faster than any of my eighty two private jets, which, by the way, are the fastest, cleanest jets that are currently available on today’s plane market.

  “You really wanted to talk about this Napstar thing right? Napstoon? Napstill? Rapster? Papster? Napdur? Fapglure? Stackder? Whackfur? Knackturd? Napster? Oh right, Napster, yes. I read about that in the W-S-J. Bad, bad stuff, the stealing of the Whitney Houston songs. Who wouldn’t want to pay for to hear all of those beautiful notes that Whitney sings with her amazing vocal hole? The thought of even people wanting to steal that kind of music makes me sick down to places that are of utmost uncomfortable. Well we, sir, are not going to let Ms. Houstonian get ripped off by these frickin’ kids in their basement playing video games, high on caffeinated soda.

  “I want this election to be over already, am I right? I mean, you’ve got Albert up there who completely has bought the left agenda with global warming and the moon’s melting and we should all wear gloves when we’re recycling our tears. And then there’s Bush. Here’s a good, good man, Matthew. I’ve had many words, good positive, pro-American words with him over breaky. That’s when you see a man’s soul, Matthew, during breaky. It’s too early to cover up any of the darkness or insults to injury in your chest heart. And the breaky food tastes truly frickin’ delicious!

  “Bush, though, he has a vision for this country that is perfect, perfect like a rug. Jobs and the economy and compassion for people who may in some, specific circumstances need it. But the focus is on growing the country. I mean, that’s the kind of leader we need! One who can connect with people and make the numbers move and make the charts go up, up, up and not over and/or down.

  “I have to confide and tell in you that I am sick and tired of hearing that George wants to go to war. He said the other day in a stumped speech that he would not in fact invade any sauvignon country! The lies the Democraits puts out there about W. and the other fine men who are helping him. By the way, women are helping him bigly too, right? I mean, I would be not of this specific time period if I didn’t mention that a woman or two is on his staff. And not to run with dry cleaning and oversee the phone calls, even though they do that, but sometimes in a very limited basis their voices can be heard and decisions can be made that are good for femalers and their daughters.

  “Bush has two daughters – did you know that? Twins. That is some downright frickin’ voodoo works right there.

  “You know he’s a businessman, Matthew, like you and me? The Houston Oilers – he owed that! Yeah, that’s a tough business, baseball. I mean you’ve got to keep the hot dogs warm and the seats clean from bird butt poop and have the people at the gates who take your tickets and give you the free t-shirts cannons or bandanas or water air guns. And don’t forget an announcer! My brain hole would probably forget the announcer and then I’d have to go in and do it myself. And I’d do it! ‘And now batting for the Houstonian Oil Rushers, number six five two Keith Gonzalez!’

  “Would I, as the then that day announcer, have to repeat all of my lines in Hispanito? That’s the problem with baseball these days, Matthew, if I’m being honest and articular, is that it’s being dominated by the Hispanitos. Now I’m not saying that they don’t have a place in sports games, but baseball?! Come on, that’s like asking me, me frickin’ Donald Trump, to emcee one of their hat dances where they go around in circles. It would be ridiculous, am I right?! But the difference is – I would never ask for that. These people, they are a kind and colorful people, but they want our jobs and our wives and our land.

  “Marla, if we were still together, but we’re not, and that’s unfortunate but the right thing for both of us at this particular venture in our times, she would not even consider dating a Hispanito. Not because of their cleanliness or manners or things that you might immediately jump to hindsights on, but because she believes in keeping things pure. And that’s one of the few things, that towards the end, we still completely and willingly agreed on.

  “Hitler is the one who got it the most right. Now I know he still gets a bad rapper for all the killing and taking of artworks and bombs and Jewish and what have had you know, but he had a vision and dream that was articulated and received by his adoring masses. I’m not saying that we should be putting people in furnace-like circumstancials, but the idea that similar people should stay together in times of trouble for economic growth is a sound and mostly proven one.

  “While I’m thinking of that memory stick, did you know that many if not most of the killing techniques used in said Third Reich time were eco-friendly? Albert should be thrilled!

  “When I was at Wharton I wrote an essay on the ROI benefits of keeping one type of people removed from other types of people, from a race and identity perspective. Matthew, I’m telling you, it was brilliant. It was beyond brilliant in that the professors and presidents and my fellow students all thought that I was even more brilliant than I could ever have brain dreamed. To be very honest with you at this time, the white paper report was so correct, so powerful that the academics that be decided to lock it up elsewise it would prove to be too disruptive for even our disruptive tech and innovation culture.

  “Sorry for the divergency, back to the opportunity at handheld. I was talking with my most utmost son, Donald Jr. He had the idea to built a competition with Napstirs. But in his business model, the user pays a nominalism fee for the privilege of downloading all of this spectacular music. We were thinking something affordable, like $599 a year. That way, we can pay the artisans but still give the customer the value that they’re seeking in their investment.

  “How have we done all this music business already without ordering any breaky? I know, I know it’s three in the afternoon – but that’s what’s so great about the breaky: it works all the time! I’m going to have some pineapple and pancakes. What do you want, Matthew? I’m paying this time, I insist!”

  Business: Trump Jr DopeBeats

  Industry: Digital music distribution

  Investment amount: $68 million

  5 year ROI: -4054%

  Pause for a Great Cause

  You are reading this book because you are a person of high standards and income. (You would have been denied the download ability otherwise.)

  May we take a moment to raise your awareness for a cause of deserving attention?

  Do you hate when bad things happen in this world? Like floods and disease and war and hate and hurt feelings? Well, if we’re being honest, so do we.

  That’s why we created BadBGone.

  BadBGone – the non-profit organization that’s dedicated to eradicating the world of all the bad stuff. Like the really bad stuff. Not the things that your friend Steve thinks is bad, like that his football team lost last weekend and he’s been really pissed off every since. Or that b---- Sally who, because her “friend” Tina has a friend of a friend who killed themselves now, what, we all have to think that depression is like the worst thing ever? What about ALS anymore?

  Enter BadBGone.

  BadBGone is the charity that’s for you and for the things that you think are important. We track all of your social likes and reposts, and we totally agree with you on those things. Yes, we agree that that dog who was abandoned and so, so skinny and about to die deserves to get a second chance! And that other girl who got shoved while she was pumping her gas, and the whole thing was caught on a surveillance camera – she totally should not have been shoved. Good on you for commenting with your disapproval! And yes, we’re even going to have your back in thinking that Congress should absolutely pass that bill th
at is keeping that one thing from happening, even though no such bill exists and you’re totally getting trolled.

  Be part of the #BadBGone revolution today!

  May 10, 2003

  “Matthew, how much do you think I weigh right now? I mean, just ballpark it. You probably think, what two twenty – two twenty five? I’m going to break your heart box, right now. I weigh frickin’ one nine zero. And I feel healthy! Do you want to race run? Because I can do that. From here to that trash can.

  “Sure, I’ve had my roller and coasters when it comes to weight, like the rest of this country. By the way, I frickin’ love this country. Even after all these years when my money and weight goes up and down, my eyes stay focused on Lady Libertine.

  “Did you read about the deadly SARS in Canada? It was in the newspaper. Favorite part of my day, Matthew, waking up and being surrounded by newspapers and maybe some fresh kiwi and oranges and bacon and coffee. Which, by the way, we are learning that bacon is really good for you? How about that – after so many years of the poor pig’s name being besmirched and condeficated, we now know, thanks to Mr. Atkins and his team of cracky scientists, that bacon and delicious breaky is absolutely the tops for you and your health.

  “Haven’t I been saying this the whole time?! I mean, it’s like the guy is making millions just saying, ‘Go on, eat breaky twenty four seven because that’s what your stomach net wants anyway!’ As you know, I am out ahead on most major issues including those of health and welfare, and this Atkins diety is no different.

  “But the SARS, the SARS, Matthew! It’s all over. It’s one thing when the SARS is over there in Chinese and Hong Kongs but now it’s with our brothers and sisters in Canadian. Let me tell you, Canada are good and decent people, and if their skin immunity cannot stand up to the harsh treatment of the SARS, then we are all doomed.

  “You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to get W. on the telephone signal today and let him know of the impending danger that’s ineffectually coming our way. It’s SARS! It can come in through your mouth gap or fingernail slits or, from what I’m understanding in the newspapers and news medias, elbow funnels or even ankle lumps. It’s scary. And if I’m scared – you know, I don’t get scared, Matthew, not even the one night when my friend Jack found that cow skull and wore it like a hat and all my friends screamed but I did not, I did not scream or have therapy for twenty nine sessions, given or take. But it’s hard to get even against a villainous disease that has been studying your moves for as long as SARS has.

  “Have you ever gotten an email that smelled like aluminum siding?

  “My tummy feels good, I’m going to tell you that right now. I feel healthy and alive. You know, at the age of 56, you look back on life and do some reflections and mental ruminations. I think I’ve had a good life. I mean, I’m simply a scrapper from Queens. I decided one day to look at myself in the mirror and say ‘Hey good lookin’, by the way, that’s you, let’s go out there and change the world bigly and make frickin’ money.’ I was six months old. I had just crapped my pants with my butt circle and knew then and there that the smelly poop lifestyle was not, in fact, for me. And you know what, I never pooped again.

  “Do you hear what I’m saying?! I have never had a bowls movement since I was six months old! Many people they do not know how to control such things, but I have mastered the art of mind over my body person matters. One time I made a bet for fifty million dollars that my fingernails would not grow for the specific time period of seven months and twenty days. Buffett paid me in pocket bills on that very last day. Mind over body person matters, Matthew. That’s a very important lesson for all of us.

  “Look at me. Somehow and some way I’ve monetized the entire conversation. You had a business proposal for us to discuss, right? Let’s get to that. It’s as if we’re finished making money, the two of us you and me! That’s not right, let’s not even make jokes about that. Not making money – what are we the poor and delirious from Central Americans? They are such jokes, down there. I bet that you could line up like five thousand of them and try to throw a ball and I could throw farther than any of them. Any kind of ball, Matthew. Football, baseball, golf ball – hell, I’ll even say frickin’ Frisbee even though that isn’t my particular form of throw motion specialty.

  “OK, sorry my digrestions are getting in the way. What’s the business you wanted to pursue, the one you said I would not be able to in fact say ‘no’ to?”

  Business: Trumpkins Diet

  Industry: Diet and weight loss

  Investment amount: $112 million

  5 year ROI: 318%

  December 3, 2007

  “I’m in the frickin’ king of the world on this thing! Matthew, look at this. Three, three more friend requests today alone. And that’s on top of the two hundred that I already have! Is there even a threshold that I might hit before everyone knows, that it’s plain as day, that I am the most popular guy in the entire frickin’ planet?

  “Let’s talk about this thing, though. Because Ivanka has done all of the research and, by the way, she’s really good at this computer stuff, she is no dummy, says that she can take our computer people and make something that is better than Facebooks and MySpaces combined! Her idea is that every person automatically gets five hundred friends, and that’s it. That’s it! Do you know these five hundred such said people in real life? No. But those are your friends, periods.

  “You see, the difference is what the computer people all the ‘algorithm.’ This thing, this computer thing, is frickin’ beautiful and can be taught to do anything. In this case, the algorithm is going to choose your friends, but then you can also tell it what you like with books and movies and politics and it will tell your friends that! So I could have a new friend in say Canadian and he will really like some frickin’ Canadia TV show and then the computer will tell me that! ‘Hey, here’s Steve and he likes this Canadia TV show!’ Just like that!

  “But I told Ivanka that I don’t want to be friends with the Hispatinos, Egypters, Argentiners, Indianers, Pakistaniers, Malaysiars and certainly no one, no frickin’ one, from Middle Easterns. She said that the algorithm can take care of that! Those Middle Easterns are beautiful people and I want to hygienically kiss them on their cheek flesh, but to have to watch them go on on on about their squatting and raping and other shenanigans – well, it’s tiring. I have a lot of energy. I still like to pump iron circles and get some sweat out, but watching those scums fight amongst themselves takes too much time.

  “That’s why those said people don’t have weight problems! Maybe they’re on my Trumpkins Diet, but maybe also as well they use their body energy bopping each other over the head and taking their houses and bribing the judges and selling drugs.

  “Oh, the drugs, Matthew. You stay away from that stuff. Have you ever smoked crack? Man, right when you think you knew what it was like to feel happy, take a couple of cranks off of that said pipe. I know why Whitney loves it so much! I frickin’ get it! But I had to cool it, it was taking up too much of my day. Not the most expensive drug ever, so I could have done it non-stop for many, many years because of my considerable and notable wealth. I met some good people through those circumstances, though. Some of them were even of the Hispatino descent, trying to make a buck and make a man of astounding and bespeckled wealth like me happy.

  “OK, enough with the digresses. Let’s do this, you and me. There’s MySpacer, there’s Facebook and we both know, as quality control businessmen, that there’s room for number three. Tres. Coke, Pepsi, Squirt. Ford, GM, Passat. Benzodent, Poligrip, Fixodent. I could do this for days, but I won’t inhibit the enlightenment on this particular trinity discussion.

  “Let’s go make some money moolah, my friend!”

  Business: Online Meet Place by Ivanka

  Industry: Social media

  Investment amount: $82 million

  5 year ROI: 1.2% (bought by IAC/Barry Diller)

  October 5, 2011

  “Isn’t there a law
about having too many dirty hippie dummies in the same place? I mean, they’re all down there flashing their signs and clicking their frickin’ tongues to communicate. Then there’s me and Buffett and Carlos Slim, who by the way, is a lovely Hispatino, making sure that they have jobs on whatever day they decide to get jobs! It incenses me to no clear or apparent end the nerve on these ‘ninety-nine percent’ guys!

  “Here’s what I’m going to do – no wait, we are going to do. We are going to head down to Zumba Park with a thousand bars of soap and say ‘Hey, losers, whichever one of you does not use these free provided soaps will be put in front of a court of law at the sooner available moment in time.’ I bet you that they will line up because they have seen the overwhelming and awesome power of Donald Trump in this world and on that particular sectional.

  “You know what bothers me the most about the freeloading smell balls? Their dancing. They can’t frickin’ dance like the classic of you and me. They close their eyes and move their hips and sway around like they’re stoned all the time, which by the way, they frickin’ wish they had enough money or friends to be stoned all the time. But that’s not dancing. That’s not dancing the way gentlemen are supposed to dance with a lady, or even should I say and stress sometimes solo.